Chocolate Orbs
by Bucken-Berry
Summary: Elliot and Olivia need help getting together! Like, a whole lot of it! Oneshot; review for more!
1. Chapter 1

"Hey guys, I need your help!" Elliot said as Olivia left the room.

"With what, son?" Cragen asked in a fatherly voice.

"I've been in love with Olivia since before I met her. I want to ask her to marry me, then I'm going to divorce Kathy. But I don't know how to get Olivia to fall for me. She thinks I still love my wife of 20 years!" Elliot explained.

"I know!" Cragen said, snapping his fingers. "Tell her how much you lover her chocolate orbs!"

"Olivia can cook?" Elliot asked confusedly.

"No! Her eyes, dumbass!" Munch exclaimed from across the room.

"Why can't I call them eyes?" Elliot asked.

"Hey, you asked for our advice, and I am telling you, the ONLY way to get Olivia to fall in love with you is to talk about her chocolate orbs. Oh, and tell her you want to have lots of babies with her."

"But I don't! My kids are pretty cool and all, but I don't want anymore!" Elliot insisted.

"DO IT, ELLIOT!" Everyone shouted.

"Okay, I will later," Elliot mumbled. He walked out of the room just as Olivia walked in.

"Hey guys, can I ask you something?" Olivia asked.

"Of course, my one and only daughter!" Cragen exclaimed, throwing his arms around her shoulders.

"I want to ask Elliot to leave Kathy and have lots of babies with me, but I don't know what to say! Elliot is a hopeless romantic, and if I do it wrong he won't even give me a chance!" Olivia explained.

"Okay, say how much you love his cerulean orbs. Also, explain to him that it's very important that you have one set of twins, two sets of triples, and one set of octuplets!" Cragen said.

"Thanks, daddy! You're the best!" Olivia said, pulling away. She ran out the door to the parking lot. Elliot had started his car, but Olivia managed to get him to stop. He rolled down his window.

"Elliot, I love you and your cerulean pools are the beautifullest thing I've ever seen!" Olivia said.

"Olivia, I love you and your chocolate orbs are the best thing I've ever tast- seen! They're so pretty. And I want to have a dozen babies with you!" Elliot replied.

Three years later-

"Mikayla, Vanessa, Xavier, Gabriella, Benvolio, Caine, Luna, Mary Sue, Marty Stu, George Elliot John, Pacha, and Icikle, get over here!" Olivia yelled. The children came running, knocking Olivia and Elliot over.

Olivia and Elliot grinned, pulling the kids off. Then they smiled and grabbed a camera, taking yet another picture.

"I love you Livvie, my baby girl darling honey sweetcakes!" Elliot exclaimed.

"I love you El, my sweet honey baby mancake!" Olivia replied.

-The End

Review if you want more! OR I WILL STOP WRITING!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: You reviewed, so I'm continuing my oneshot! But keep reviewing or I will hold this story hostage, because we all know you don't have anything else to do but read my fanfics!

Olivia was walking with Lizzie to a friend's house when suddenly, Lizzie threw her arms around her and screamed "I love you mommy!"

"I love you too Lizzie!" Olivia replied.

"But why don't you love Eli?" Lizzie asked.

"Because he isn't Elliot's! We didn't get DNA testing done or anything, but we just know. And a child that isn't genetically yours should go completely unloved, no matter what!" Olivia said.

"Well, we're here. Thanks mommy!" Lizzie said. (A/N Lizzie's friend is named Ashley, in case you were wondering)

"See you soon!" Olivia replied. She walked back to the house.

"I'm mad at you Olivia!" Elliot exclaimed. He pushed her backwards.

"Hey, that's mean!" Olivia said indignantly.

"Well, then fight back!" Elliot retorted.

"No, because I love you so much that I'm going to let you abuse me, despite the cases with battered women I see every day! But to make it up to me, you need to buy me pizza and a movie, and you need to cuddle with me and tell me that you're sorry and you'll never do this again! And then I'm going to cry in your arms and you'll cry too, and I'll tell everyone the bruises came from some accident, because they'll believe that- it's not like they've seen otherwise before!" Olivia said. "Now, throw a few punches so I can get the pizza."

"Okay then. But can the movie be Iron Man?"

"No. Twilight or bust. The 100 year old vampire is adoribibable!" Olivia said.

"Fine, Liv. As long as you forgive me and stay in a relationship with me."

"Of course! It's not like I'm a self-respecting cop who would fight back or leave or report you or anything," Olivia said, rolling her eyes. "Seriously, Elliot, it's like you think I'm a sec crimes detective or something. Of course I'm never going to leave an abusive relationship with you!"

"It's not abuse if I only hit you once. One time can be smoothed over with movies and junk food, remember?" Ellito asked pointedly.

"Yes, of course," Olivia said.

"Eh, my anger's gone now. I want triple fudge chocolate chip pancakes," Elliot said.

"Me too. Oh, and I want another baby!" Olivia said. "Twins will do, this time around."

Elliot sighed deeply. "Okay, but then for their first birthday, I want to play matchmaker for some of the people we work with."

"Okay! Since none of us know anyone outside of this unit, let's get Fin and Melinda together, and John and Casey, and Don and Liz, and George and Alex!"

"George is gay! Remember?" Elliot asked.

"No, that's the other Asian guy! The psychiatrist is the gay one," Olivia said.

"George IS the psychiatrist!" Elliot said.

"No, George is the computer tech," Olivia insisted.

"That's Morales, Olivia," Elliot said.

"Okay, fine. I'll find someone for Doctor Morales, too," Olivia said with a sigh.

"Okay, so Alex and Ruben. But who should George be with?" Elliot asked.

Olivia shrugged. "I don't think George even wants to be in a relationship. His only interest is profiling and talking to patients."

"Well, okay then! Let's get busy so we can get them all together!" Elliot said.

Olivia nodded. "Fuck yes, Elliot. You love machine you!"

Review if you want more! Remember, 5 reviews or I hold my story hostage!


	3. Chapter 3

Serious time!

Ah, yes, flames. Let's get started, shall we?

"OMFG You have got to be kidding me! You are such an IDIOT and MORON! You  
can't write worth crap. Give up now and put us out of our misery!"

Well, "Gin", considering you don't even have an account, I doubt that your writing ability is any better than mine. Further, if you had read the category, you would know that it was intentionally bad. Further, you are the idiot/moron, for using synonyms as though they were different words. It doesn't increase the impact of them at all.

Now, this one was received precisely two minutes after the first one, yet it had a different name. You know what that means! DUN DUN DUNNNNN... A troll!

"From: sami  
You call this crap writting? This is such a load of crap. How old are you  
anyway? You can't be past 2 because it would be a heck of a lot better than  
this crap you try to pass off as writting. Give up now."

1. No, I don't call this "writing". I call this a parody of the bad writing that tends to appear in EO fics.

2. I am 16. Thanks for asking!

3. I can't be past two? If I was two, I wouldn't even know my ABC's!

4. I think a two year old would be better in that they're so cute. Like my cousin. She writes all jumbled and nonsensical, and it's better than fanfiction, because it's from the heart! You know?

5. Give up now... that sounds like bait to me! Now I'm never going to stop writing!

By the way, what made you think that I would be fooled by you using two different names? If there's an anonymous flame, and then another anonymous flame shows up two minutes later that has the same basic points (lack of criticism for anything particular, failure to notice that it's supposed to be humorours, personal attacks, telling me to quit writing) I'm going to know that it's the same person.

Well folks, I believe I've destroyed these flames. Now I'm going to use them to cook some tasty S'Mores! Yum!


	4. Chapter 4

Author's note: Oh my god! Elliot gave Olivia a cup of coffee last night! IT'S LOVE! THEY'RE GETTING TOGETHER! THEY LOVE EACH OTHER! ELLIOT WILL LEAVE THAT BLONDE BIOTCH AND GO TO HIS TRUE LOVE! BABS DUFFY SAID IT WOULD HAPPEN! AND I TRUST HER! I SHOULD PROBABLY GET MY ELBOW OFF THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON NOW, BUT I'M TOO LAZY TO GO BACK AND TYPE IT IN LOWERCASE! I'M TOO LAZY TO PROFRED TO!

Dani Beck, Brian Cassidy, and Kathy not-Stabler walked in the squad room. "We want to talk to Elliot and Olivia!" They demanded.

Olivia and Elliot walked out and gasped. "You're back!" They exclaimed.

"I can't believe this!" Elliot yelled. "Dani, we all know I hate you and don't like talking to you! That kiss was nothing. I may have moved my lips first, but you're a skanky slutty bitchy whorish prostitute! And Kathy, you held me back for so long! I loved Olivia this whole time; how dare you stay married to me and keep me from finding Olivia! And then, when I didn't get with her in the months we were divorced, you had the nerve to have sex with me! And that resulted in a baby that isn't even mine!"

Olivia joined in the yelling. "And Brian, I pushed you away after our one night stand. You're a cold hearted bastard for treating me like that! You wanted a relationship with me, and it's clear that Elliot and I are only meant for each other!"

"That's it!" Kathy roared. "I'm going to hire a hitman to kill you! You should have known how mentally volatile the three of us are!"

"My official diagnosis is MENTAL PSYCHOSIS!" Doctor Doc said, stepping into the squad room.

"Doctor Wong! I hate you, but please help me!" Elliot said.

"It's 'Huang'," He corrected.

"Right, Doctor Hung. Sorry," Elliot said.

"HUANG," He emphasized.

"Sorry! HAUNG! There we go! Now please medicate these three and psychoanalyze them! One session from you and they'll be normal again," Elliot said.

George gave a resigned sigh. "Fine." He walked over to Kathy, Dani, and Brian. "What did your mothers do to you?" He asked.

"Mine never hugged me!" Brian cried.

"And how does that make you feel?" George asked.

"Sad. But I feel better now," Brian said.

"Okay, looks like we're done here," George said.

"Wait, no we aren't! Guess what, everyone? I'm pregnant!" Olivia shouted.

The room broke out into cheers.

Olivia looked around to ask George a question, but he had vanished. "Hey, George is a ninja!" Olivia said.

"He's Chinese," Elliot corrected her.

"Nuh uh!"

"Just yesterday, you thoguht his name was Morales!" Elliot said.

"Yeah, well what does it matter?" Olivia asked.

Elliot shrugged, then grinned. "We have more important things to do."

He pushed Olivia onto the desk and started undressing her. Then he undressed himself and pushed into her.

The squad cheered and clapped at the scene before them.

Then Fin smiled and kissed Melinda.

John barrelled into Casey and kissed her passionately.

Cragen started hugging Liz Donnelly.

George looked around, saw Alex, and kissed her.

"Hey, I thought you were gay!" Alex said.

George shook his head. "Only when people wouldn't prefer me to be straight."

But then he turned around and saw an unoriginal man. He grinned and ran to him. "Hi there!"

"Hi!" The man replied. He lifted George and started to carry him out of the room.

"Right guys, I'm just going to get out of the way so no one has to see a male/male relationship mixed in with straight relationships. Rest assured, I will return if someone needs profiling, and at your next baby showers- I just won't bring my lover with me. See ya!" George called.

Everyone returned to their business. Alex, Dani, Brian, and Kathy looked at each other and shared a signifcant look.

"I love you, Kathy!" Brian exclaimed.

"You too!" Kathy replied.

"I love you, Dani!" Alex exclaimed.

"I love you, Alex!" Dani said.

Elliot pulled out of Olivia and got his clothes on. "So, partner/wife, how are you? Don't you love the fact that we can be married and be partners, even though it's against the law? And don't you love the fact that we know that we will never have a proble with choosing each other over civilians, like what would happen if Gitano returned?"

"Yes! I love life!" Olivia said.

"Okay everyone, we need to get to Vegas, so that Fin and Melinda, John and Casey, and Don and Liz can get married. Brian and Kathy, you can get married too, but you have to promise not to shake hands with Livvie and I. Alex and Dani, you guys should go hang out with Abbie and Serena, and maybe you can keep George and his man company, " Elliot said.

"Alright!" Everyone yelled.

A/N: Reviews or I shall discontinue!


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: It's baaaaaaaack... But only if you review, because otherwise I'm ending this oneshot right here!

Olivia hummed nervously as she walked around the airport. "Hey Elly?" She asked.

"Yes Wivvie?" Elliot asked.

"Where are Fin and Melinda and Don and Liz and John and Casey? They should have been here an hour ago!"

"Maybe they- oh wait, here they are!" Elliot said.

The gang walked up to them and waved. "Hiya!" They announced.

"Okay, let's go!" Olivia said.

"Wait, where are the kids?" Melinda asked.

"If we go on a vacation, they magically start to take care of themselves until we want them again," Elliot explained.

The group nodded their understanding, then they boarded the plane.

The plane had just started takeoff when Olivia suddenly began to panic. "I think my water broke!"

"Didn't you give birth like a month ago?" Liz asked.

"Yeah, I saw the baby!" John said.

"I think I'm having sextuplets again!" Olivia exclaimed. Then she sighed. "No, it's probably just morning sickness again."

"Okay then," Casey hummed. She turned towards Melinda. "Got any aces?"

The rest of the ride passed smoothly. Then they arrived in Vegas.

Meanwhile, back at the 1-6...

Alex kissed Dani passionately. Dani pulled away and grinned. "We should take a hit out on Elliot!"

"Why, baby?" Alex asked.

"Because people can NEVER have clean breakups. It just doesn't happen. The rejected party HAS to spend the next several years bitter and envious, and this HAS to result in them killing or attempting to kill people. Brian, Kathy, Dean and I are no exceptions."

"Where is Dean?" Alex asked.

"Trying to get into George's pants, but his unnamed man isn't having any of it," Dani said nonchalantly.

Alex looked over and, sure enough, Dean was trying to steal a kiss and slide his hand under George's shirt, while no-name was glaring angrily. Finally George roundhouse kicked Dean away before kissing no-name gently.

Kathy sighed softly as Brian ran his hands through her hair. She looked up at him. "Hey Brian, have you ever thought about..."

"Sorry, Kathy, we can't have kids," Brian said, shaking his head.

"Why?"

"Because only Olivia, Melinda, Casey, and sometimes Alex are allowed to have kids. Everyone else doesn't deserve them or something. Besides, don't you have kids already?"

"Oh," Kathy sighed. Then she continued, "Yeah, I do have kids, but when I took custody of them instead of bringing them to the precinct for Elliot to take care of, that was the last straw, and now Elliot and Olivia have the kids, like, permanently."

"That's a shame," Brian said.

"Tell me about it," Kathy replied.

Abbie and Serena sighed softly and held hands as they walked over to Alex. "Hey, bestest ADA friend!" Abbie said cheerfully.

"Heya," Alex hummed. She glanced over at Dean as he finally regained consciousness and glared enviously at George and no-name.

"What are you doing?" Abbie asked Dani.

"Trying to find a hitman again, the one you told me about failed," Dani replied.

"Well, I know of another one," Serena said.

Dani sighed softly. "I don't know if I want to try again, maybe I should just do it myself."

Serena snarled. "Is this because I'm a lesbian?"


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: MORE FLAMES! KEEP 'EM COMING!

TalentedPeopleWithBrains

"Seeing as this is a parody, I can call it utter fucking garbage, and you have no room to complain about it. Right?"

Well, TalentedPeopleWithBrains, hypothetically, you could. However, the fact that you asked me, rather than telling me, indicates that you actually like the story, and were curious. You didn't have anything else to say because you were so overwhelmed with laughter. I'm glad. Very, very glad.

Bucken-Berry, over and out!

ETA: TalentedPeopleWithBrains

"Right, cause we have no 'brians'.

Get off your high horse."

Okay, calm down. KissTheGirl made a mistake. She's on no high horse; she's just defending me. But KissTheGirl, it's fine; I don't care. I'm just sharing the flames so everyone can laugh.


End file.
